So I finally got myself around to publish this one.
Now, this post will probably be a difficult one for some of you since it basically discusses the lies we tell ourselves when the other person really isn’t interested. I know this is not something that we want to hear, especially when we have a crush or are in love, but sometimes knowing how to read the signs makes it easier to get out.
So first things first. In my blog about the crush crash course I mentioned the phrase confirmation bias. The confirmation bias is something that we all do all the time and it is quite automatic in our brains unless you pay special attention to it. The confirmation bias happens when we pay attention to and remember information that confirms beliefs and views and forget information that contradicts them.
What that means crush wise and/or in relationships: Lets say that you have a crush on someone and that you think that they like you back. The confirmation bias dictates that you will look for all sorts of clues that will support your theory that the other person likes you back. Things like replying to your texts, touching your arm when out and about or even up to having sex together all become classified as evidence in the case of you vs.”woohoo, he/she has a crush on me.”
Here is the hard part. Yes, these things can be indicator that the person likes you, but YOU MUST LOOK AT OTHER FACTS AS WELL. Like when that person sends you a reply, does it happen within a short while or after an hour? Do they touch your arm and then proceed to flirt with the whole room? Do they move to whisper in your ear and then just leave? It is so easy for us with crushes to read a whole lot into a tiny thing and forget the huge thing. We ask ourselves “If she didn’t like me, why would she touch my arm?” and ignore that this person may have just bumped into you on her way to the bathroom.
I’ve sadly become a bit of an expert seeing when guys don’t like me back. Really. A guy that doesn’t like me will not call or send a text message when I want it. He will not do the poke on Facebook nor email, honor our scheduled dates and more importantly, that guy will disappear from my life pretty quickly when I don’t contact him.
Remember that the person you like contacts you and tries to keep you in their lives, like you would with them. The crush confirmation bias will mean that you might interpret everything as evidence that the other person wants to be around you, but if there is no active effort on his or her part, you are dealing with a person that doesn’t care about you as much as you care about them.
How to deal with the crush confirmation bias: Ask yourself how your crush would act if they didn’t like you. This is hard question to ask because of course you are fabulous and they would be idiots for not liking you back. However, if you take into account the lack of contact, lack of interest and the uncomfortable silences when they are around you and come to the conclusion that you are not getting the love you deserve, then you might be able to get them out of your life sooner and start liking someone that likes you back.